Today is Suicide Awareness Day -- this is my (short) story

Suicide Awareness Day is September 10. I wrote the latter portion of this on that day but couldn't bring myself to post it. This is partially because I wanted my parents to read it first. But also because I was worried how people would take it. I wondered if they would see me differently.

Since my brother's death, many have told me I have to be a certain way.

"Be strong for your parents," they said. "They need you."
You have to do this, you have to do that. It took a toll on me. I've gotten better, but it's something I still struggle with. 

"You have to give your parents a son now, Lea." 

"You have to stay with them. Don't move too far away." 

I didn't want anyone to see that maybe Lea wasn't as strong as she made herself out to be. Ultimately, I realized this is a story people needed to hear; a story I shouldn't be ashamed of.

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I cannot say I attempted to commit suicide any one particular time. But I entertained the idea more than I would like to say.

Today is Suicide Awareness Day. It's another day I get to celebrate my life, even if it's from my bedroom with Will & Grace on the TV.

Today I get to look back on my lowest points and pat myself on the back because I've come so far.

I very vividly remember my state only a year ago -- feeling empty and numb to everything and everyone that once made me beam. I very vividly remember thinking I would feel that way forever. So I turned to a friend.

"You're not supposed to feel...empty," she said. "That's not normal and it can be scary sometimes to notice that you dont feel much, but talking about it helps." 

Talking did help. Each week I sat in the counselor's room and clawed my way out of the grave was buried in. It wasn't always easy and it wasn't exactly fun. But I knew I needed to be brought back to life. 

I surrounded myself with my own tiny balls of fire and sunshine. (Shout out to my close friends and family.) I went on new adventures, both small and big, and met beautiful human beings who stoked the fire inside me that had nearly burnt out.

I didn't pray to any god or almighty being. (And if you do, that's rad, too.) But it is possible to get help without feeling the need to be religious. All prayers and positivity from anyone both religious and secular are accepted for me.

I fell in love with the beauty of life all over again, as difficult as it was. (Some days it still is.) Thanks to a friend, I fell in love with a mad man with a box, who still gets me through those tough days. But most importantly, I fell in love with me. And I lived.

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